‘and unfortunately this means that you will need IVF to have any chance of conceiving a baby’. For some reason for me when these words were uttered to us, I wasn’t too upset, I’m such a glass is half full kind of person, I was absolutely confident that IVF was ok, it would work for us, in fact my confidence was so high (like it had been years ago when we started trying for a baby), that I believed it would happen the first time!
And off we went, we carried on with our lives, dealt with the loss of a parent, we survived earthquakes, fixed up our house following, I took a great job offer within the company and we moved cities, we had this! When the time came to start IVF, I was excited, looking forward to it, sure a few injections would be a bit funny and painful, but the means to an end was a pregnancy we were desperate for, I truly thought the toughest thing would be the injections. Boy did I underestimate how time consuming it would be… I never expected to juggle, juggle work and trying to keep quiet that I was doing treatment, the company I worked for was NOT supportive to those with children, juggling meetings and disappearing off to endless internal scans, blood tests. Juggling the crazy emotions coursing through my body thanks to the hormones that I was injecting. The outcome would surely be pregnancy and a baby the juggle was worth it… Juggling the desire to book holidays and renovate the house, the outcome of that IVF would result in pregnancy… all money needed to be saved…. The juggle was worth it for the baby at the end….. Until it didn’t work…. The miscarriage that came from that round of IVF bought our world crashing down around us. Our world was turned upside down, suddenly for us the absolute certainty of a pregnancy was gone…
The Glass half full outlook was gone, ripped away with the pregnancy, suddenly IVF looked a lot harder, the thought of the juggling wasn’t so much fun, my little secret to be kept became a burden, the injections and the bruising starting to become a painful reminder that there was no certainty. Each announcement of pregnancy from friends, family and acquaintances a bit harder to take, how could you explain your happiness for them, but also your own heartbreak… some said we were selfish. Insensitivity each time some person who didn’t really know you, question when you were going to start a family… That glass became empty, at night sleep became difficult as I started to envisage a pointless life without a family…. Heartbreak making me completely unreasonable and hysterical at 2am. Life felt on hold, unhappiness in my job, couldn’t change as potentially I could be pregnant at any time, no holidays, no improvements to new house needing it… worst of all…no certainity.
Each round starting to get harder and harder…we knew it was time to find some help or support. After our first failed round of IVF we had taken up the clinic’s offer of a councillor, both of us walked out so incredibly disappointed, the councillor hadn’t got it, what a total waste of time! We knew that that wasn’t the route we would go down again.
So I remembered and found a pamphlet we had been given in our first IVF information package. Fertility Support NZ provided support groups, I had discarded the pamphlet with such certainty that we wouldn’t need such a thing, we would get pregnant the first time! Also we had been so different with the counselling we couldn’t see how this would be different, but by the fourth round we needed help so I contacted Fertility New Zealand and found a support group to attend.
Off we nervously went to the first meeting, a little guarded initially, infertility made us weary of new people…. as we sat in a circle that night, each person started to tearfully talk about their journey, we started to feel so bonded to total strangers, finally someone else going through the same thing, some seemed to have it a little worse, some perhaps a little easier, our grief the same…and for that we were emotionally attached instantly. We started to look forward to the support groups, finally feeling that we could talk openly, share war stories if you like. Sometimes we laughed, sometimes we cried, but each meeting we felt a little bit better. In the end we became friends with most of the couples. Most of us ended up with a successful pregnancy, some didn’t, they didn’t keep in touch. Some of us still keep in touch to this day, some have gone on to have multiple children. As I sit here and type this with my now 3 year old sitting on my knee wiggling, I know I couldn’t have seen out the dark days without this group of people.
And now three years later we have moved cities again, our son is growing… my career so changed I have time, I knew I wanted to give back… so I contacted Fertility support, to offer my time… hoping if I could make one other person feel not so alone, heard and understood… even to relieve that grief for a little while it is worth it.
So if you are struggling through your journey, please visit http://www.fertilitynz.org.nz/ to find out more information on the support groups throughout New Zealand.